Forever in Our Arms

Natalie at the Temple of the Six Banyan Trees, Guangzhou

In Baba's arms

Every mother remembers the first time she held her child. I can’t believe that it was a year ago today for me. When Stephen and I woke up that morning in Zhengzhou, getting ready for the moments to come, we felt just as we had expected to feel—excited, restless, nervous. We’d been meeting a guide each morning since we’d arrived in China, but this morning when we met our guide, Rita, in the hotel lobby for the ride over to the registration office, the air was electric. We were already anxious to meet our daughter, and when we pulled into the parking lot, Rita informed us that there was a van from Luoyang there. My heart skipped a beat. Was she already inside?

We walked in, and there was an orphanage worker there with an infant girl about Natalie’s age. But it wasn’t her. We had to wait for a while, and I’m sure it really wasn’t that long, but you know how those things go. Stephen and I sat on a black couch and watched the door for any sign of movement outside. My hands were uncontrollable; I’d never been so fidgety. My nervous bladder got the better of me, and I made a quick dash to the “squatty potty” (with strict instructions from Stephen that I’d better hurry!). I didn’t want anything to spoil our first moments with our long-awaited little girl.

A van pulled up, not even pulling into a parking spot, and several nannies from the orphanage in Luoyang got out carrying children. Then we caught our first glimpse of her, in real life, and not just in the same two referral pictures we’d been obsessing over during the past two months. Of course I wanted to hold her immediately, but Natalie was a bit hesitant to leave the nanny’s arms for those of this strange-looking white girl. The biggest surprise: during our years of waiting, I’d watch other families’ videos of when they first met their children in China, think about our own upcoming first meeting, and cry rivers. But when it finally happened for us—not a single tear. Natalie didn’t cry either; maybe I took my lead from her. She seemed so stoic, although I’m sure she was terrified. For me, I suppose it just felt . . . right. There was no room for tears in this moment. Everything had finally fallen into place and we three had found each other. But oh, holding her the first time . . . the emptiness in my heart had finally been filled.

That first night, as I held her and attempted to sing her a lullaby in the darkness of the hotel room, the tears came. Some may recognize the words and understand why: “They didn’t have you where I come from; never knew the best was yet to come; life began when I saw your face. . . .”

Indeed it did; our lives changed so dramatically for the better. Natalie Xue Er has brought an immeasurable amount of joy to our lives and to everyone she meets. I cannot fathom life without her. Sure, there are days when she drives me crazy, when we need to be somewhere else and she runs away,  giggles trailing behind her, when I need to (a) help her dry her hands, (b) fix her hair, or  (c) outfit her with a diaper (my personal favorite!). But then I remember other parents saying that there is no love like that you have for your child. I used to wonder what that would feel like. Now I know, and it’s indescribable how all-encompassing it is.

Natalie, our sweet girl, we’re so fortunate to have the honor of being your parents. Happy Forever Family Day.